It has been a while since I've written, time has gone really slowly and really quickly in equal measures! Right now I'm 33 (nearly 34) weeks pregnant. I'm feeling big, getting more tired and welcoming each kick (even though that's hard to remember at 5am!). I have 3.5 weeks left at work before I start maternity and the countdown is on. Our bags are packed and ready to go just in case. I'm feeling more in control.
Over the past few weeks I've realised CONTROL and FEAR have reared their ugly heads. I mean, it was there from the start - that wait until I could do a pregnancy test, the wait for the 7 week EPAC scan, and then the 12 week scan. But, from about week 29-32 somehow fear had gotten the better of me. I think it came out from an EFT session I had with my therapist Kate. She asked how I was feeling about the scheduled caesarean - and I was in a good place with that. I've been doing some hypnobirthing specifically for caesareans so that's helping me get a bit more prepared.
She then asked, how did I feel about if I went into labour naturally and described her own recent experience having her son on her bathroom floor within an hour of starting labour. This brought up a whole new level of fear and to be honest it freaked me right out. Jesus, I had barely gotten my head around going in for a planned section, I hadn't even gone there to think about natural labour either at home or the hospital. BUT, she made a great point, and she was provoking me deliberately. What if it did happen? How would I cope? What feelings did it raise in me - mainly my need for control (hence the planned schedule) and my fear of it not going to my new plan. I honestly believe that what happened with Alice won't happen again. I just want it to go my way this time.
So, we did a lot of tapping and clearing on this to help release these feelings. I know elements of control and fear are natural, useful and needed. I still have those, but I needed to clear and release the paralysing fear that I had. I don't want to spend the next 6 weeks not being able to sleep because of it.
Since then I've had to do some tapping on my own in order to release the fear that comes up. It didn't go away in one session, which just shows how strong it was. I was flying to Spain recently for our last break away before baby comes, and I spent a lot of the flight thinking 'what happens if I go into labour' and freaked myself out a bit. Tapping and distraction did help, but one day in Spain I woke up and thought, I'm fed up giving my thoughts and feelings over to fear. I felt it like a shadow following me, and I realised I could tell it to 'f*** off'! Ever since then I don't feel like it has controlled me. I feel more in control. I've packed my bags and if things happen early, then I'm ready, I'm ok with that.
If this little man wants to come into the world earlier than planned, then I'm now ok with that. I want to stay calm, and keep him safe and I will trust in the people who will get us there. I'm happy with where I am now. I've proactively dealt with the fear, have some techniques in my armour to cope with it over the coming weeks and I am now getting SUPER excited about our pending arrival.
I know I still have a way to go. I'm very vigilant about tracking baby's movements and hoping that I don't miss something. There is still an element of fear about ensuring he is ok, BUT that fear is healthy - that's what will keep us safe. So, I look forward with a smile on my face, with a little bit of fear in my heart and a deep knowing that everything is going to be ok soon and we will meet our healthy, happy little boy. I cannot wait (although I can, please stay where you are baby, we'll come to get you!!!).
A little note about Emotional Freedom Technique / EFT / Tapping:
I am good at using Faster EFT techniques by myself when I'm in the moment of a negative feeling such as sadness or fearful etc. I can use the techniques (outlined below in case they help you) to help clear the negative emotion I'm feeling. My work with Kate however is more probing and much more of a therapy session, where we investigate my real thoughts and deep feelings on a subject and tackle them head on - releasing them as a result. These feelings may be past, present or future too, so I find they're great at looking ahead, and clearing future negative feelings as well.
So a bit about Faster EFT - (in my words) when I am feeling something I want to clear, I tap on the points below saying to myself 'I let it go', 'it is ok to let it go', etc until I finish working through the points. I find that it clears really quickly for me. Maybe worth a go the next time you're not feeling great about something.
There is more info
here and on
You Tube channel
