Our son Casper is three months old today. I can't believe it and every cliche you can think of is true. I've been contacted a few times recently by people who have also lost their babies asking how did we know were ready to have another child, how did we cope with the fear and anxiety, how this birth was and how we feel now. So I thought I would share my thoughts in a bid to help others in similar situations.
Honestly, I think while Alice was still in hospital we knew it wouldn't be too long before we tried again. Our desire for children grew even stronger having felt unconditional and eternal love for Alice. We knew we wanted to feel that again on a more permanent basis. Three months afterwards we started trying again and straight away we were blessed to conceive. This probably seems very soon and it was, but we knew it would have a healing affect, and it was so healing for everyone, especially for me.
Throughout the pregnancy I did an awful lot of work on myself, which I've written about here. I still use the EFT techniques and in fact needed an emergency session on day four to cope with the onslaught of hormones I was feeling.
I did feel fear, I felt it mainly because I had planned this birth so much. I was having a C Section on the 27th of November and that was happening. But I started getting braxton hicks around 33 weeks and that brought on the fear of delivering early, as that wasn't part of my plan. I needed control over this birth. I knew deep in my heart that this birth would go well, that I would be bringing a baby home, but sometimes the fear would take hold and try and throw me off course. I began to recognise what was happening and steer myself back on track and did hypnobirthing (specifically for c sections), practiced yoga, and did EFT tapping too.
The closer we got to the golden date, the more I knew that it was going to go as planned. And all of a sudden the date was here! The night before we went out for a family meal for a birthday and it felt very strange. There was a big elephant in the room.
We managed to get some sleep and the morning of the 27th Dave, my parents and I drove to the hospital. It was still dark when we got up! I had had a lovely blow dry the day before (all part of my grand plan), I was determined to look good! We were ready.
We were taken to the labour ward and given some time to prep. It was about an hour and a half before we got to go into the theatre, so that wait felt long. My blood pressure and pulse were taken and the midwife remarked how calm I was - I was off to a good start (must have been the hypnobirthing and deep breathing). The prep went quick, the epidural went in without pain, and very quickly the surgeons had arrived. I knew they said it would be quick but god the five minutes it took to get Casper out went so fast. Before we knew it we heard this almighty scream and the midwife said, 'look at all that hair'! They dropped the curtain very quickly for me and I saw him pink and white and roaring! They had to pull the curtain up quickly, I vaguely heard 'cord around neck' but very soon afterwards he was brought around to my chest. He stayed there for the full 40 minutes afterwards while they closed me up, again the time flew. I didn't notice anything but Dave and Casper and I had the biggest smile on my face. I didn't get a good look at his face for ages. He was nuzzled into my chest, still roaring, head bobbing and keen to get some food. Once in recovery he settled for a long time. I can't even remember now if he managed to get some food, he must have, but it was the most amazing experience. The happiest I've ever been.
The birth was fantastic, the team of people were so wonderful, very sympathetic and reassuring. Casper was born on the day I had planned. It went exactly to plan, and he was a dream boat.
The recovery however wasn't so wonderful. I had actually not really thought past the birth itself. I didn't really read up on recovery expectations and what happened to me was unfortunately and I couldn't have foreseen. I had lost a lot of blood during the birth so I became anaemic. That coupled with very low blood pressure meant I was exhausted, I fainted a few times (scaring poor Dave who had to pull an emergency cord in the toilets!) and got an infection a few days later, so went back in for an antibiotic drip (which was brilliant). Once all of that drama was over (the first 5 days), things went a lot smoother and I started to feel a lot better. The 6 week mark was a big milestone. I had made it to Ireland for Christmas. I wasn't on painkillers any more. Feeding was going a lot better (had broken the pain barrier on the nips) and Casper was starting to be more engaged and fun.
The baby blues hit hard around day 3-6 and I just couldn't say anything without crying. I hadn't planned this. I kept looking at Casper thinking where is this big rush of love I was supposed to feel. I had felt it with Alice and I really expected to feel the same if not more immediately with Casper. It didn't happen like that. I was so upset about it and in particular on those days it felt tragic. I also felt guilt about taking Casper home from the hospital instead of Alice. Walking through the front door with Casper was just so emotional. I sat on the couch, got him out of his car seat and just held him and cried. He grabbed onto my hair with his both hands and pulled, it was amazing.
I called my EFT therapist and got an emergency Skype appointment. I cried the full hour long session (from bed as I couldn't get out of it). I had a MASSIVE amount of emotion over the whole thing. But, that's normal, I know that now. I knew that a few days later when everything just lifted and I felt like a different person. Thank god it lifted. I really don't think I could have coped with post natal depression. The love for Casper grew day by day and about two weeks in the gush of love came.
Now he's three months! I am fully healed thank god. Casper has grown so well he is now double his birth weight at 14lb 12. He is such a content little boy, full of smiles and lots of arm and leg movement. His chat is coming on too but he's definitely more active than chatty right now. I am loving seeing him develop each day. It is a pleasure and privilege to be his mum - and I am so in love with this incredible little human.
Looking back at what we've been through it sometimes feels surreal that it happened to us. That we had a little girl that is no longer with us. I still think of her every day. But the real pain that we felt at the beginning is gone. I think of her now with huge fondness and love. In a way, I believe Casper was always meant to be in our family, and he was always meant to follow Alice. I couldn't imagine life without him. He is our special boy and has hugely helped heal my heart. And right now I am the happiest I could be (despite the tiredness). I know that may not last, and that grief could come again, but that's ok. If it does come again, I know some good techniques to help handle it. I'm focusing on now and now is good. It's great in fact.
{If you know anyone who has suffered a loss be it miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death please share this with them. It might give them hope that they will be happy again in the future. My recommendation is to push on, to get some help in dealing with the grief, to try again, to believe that happiness will follow and trust if possible that everything will be ok, I do hope it will be for everyone} xx
Honestly, I think while Alice was still in hospital we knew it wouldn't be too long before we tried again. Our desire for children grew even stronger having felt unconditional and eternal love for Alice. We knew we wanted to feel that again on a more permanent basis. Three months afterwards we started trying again and straight away we were blessed to conceive. This probably seems very soon and it was, but we knew it would have a healing affect, and it was so healing for everyone, especially for me.
Throughout the pregnancy I did an awful lot of work on myself, which I've written about here. I still use the EFT techniques and in fact needed an emergency session on day four to cope with the onslaught of hormones I was feeling.
I did feel fear, I felt it mainly because I had planned this birth so much. I was having a C Section on the 27th of November and that was happening. But I started getting braxton hicks around 33 weeks and that brought on the fear of delivering early, as that wasn't part of my plan. I needed control over this birth. I knew deep in my heart that this birth would go well, that I would be bringing a baby home, but sometimes the fear would take hold and try and throw me off course. I began to recognise what was happening and steer myself back on track and did hypnobirthing (specifically for c sections), practiced yoga, and did EFT tapping too.
The closer we got to the golden date, the more I knew that it was going to go as planned. And all of a sudden the date was here! The night before we went out for a family meal for a birthday and it felt very strange. There was a big elephant in the room.
We managed to get some sleep and the morning of the 27th Dave, my parents and I drove to the hospital. It was still dark when we got up! I had had a lovely blow dry the day before (all part of my grand plan), I was determined to look good! We were ready.
We were taken to the labour ward and given some time to prep. It was about an hour and a half before we got to go into the theatre, so that wait felt long. My blood pressure and pulse were taken and the midwife remarked how calm I was - I was off to a good start (must have been the hypnobirthing and deep breathing). The prep went quick, the epidural went in without pain, and very quickly the surgeons had arrived. I knew they said it would be quick but god the five minutes it took to get Casper out went so fast. Before we knew it we heard this almighty scream and the midwife said, 'look at all that hair'! They dropped the curtain very quickly for me and I saw him pink and white and roaring! They had to pull the curtain up quickly, I vaguely heard 'cord around neck' but very soon afterwards he was brought around to my chest. He stayed there for the full 40 minutes afterwards while they closed me up, again the time flew. I didn't notice anything but Dave and Casper and I had the biggest smile on my face. I didn't get a good look at his face for ages. He was nuzzled into my chest, still roaring, head bobbing and keen to get some food. Once in recovery he settled for a long time. I can't even remember now if he managed to get some food, he must have, but it was the most amazing experience. The happiest I've ever been.
The birth was fantastic, the team of people were so wonderful, very sympathetic and reassuring. Casper was born on the day I had planned. It went exactly to plan, and he was a dream boat.
The recovery however wasn't so wonderful. I had actually not really thought past the birth itself. I didn't really read up on recovery expectations and what happened to me was unfortunately and I couldn't have foreseen. I had lost a lot of blood during the birth so I became anaemic. That coupled with very low blood pressure meant I was exhausted, I fainted a few times (scaring poor Dave who had to pull an emergency cord in the toilets!) and got an infection a few days later, so went back in for an antibiotic drip (which was brilliant). Once all of that drama was over (the first 5 days), things went a lot smoother and I started to feel a lot better. The 6 week mark was a big milestone. I had made it to Ireland for Christmas. I wasn't on painkillers any more. Feeding was going a lot better (had broken the pain barrier on the nips) and Casper was starting to be more engaged and fun.
The baby blues hit hard around day 3-6 and I just couldn't say anything without crying. I hadn't planned this. I kept looking at Casper thinking where is this big rush of love I was supposed to feel. I had felt it with Alice and I really expected to feel the same if not more immediately with Casper. It didn't happen like that. I was so upset about it and in particular on those days it felt tragic. I also felt guilt about taking Casper home from the hospital instead of Alice. Walking through the front door with Casper was just so emotional. I sat on the couch, got him out of his car seat and just held him and cried. He grabbed onto my hair with his both hands and pulled, it was amazing.
I called my EFT therapist and got an emergency Skype appointment. I cried the full hour long session (from bed as I couldn't get out of it). I had a MASSIVE amount of emotion over the whole thing. But, that's normal, I know that now. I knew that a few days later when everything just lifted and I felt like a different person. Thank god it lifted. I really don't think I could have coped with post natal depression. The love for Casper grew day by day and about two weeks in the gush of love came.
Now he's three months! I am fully healed thank god. Casper has grown so well he is now double his birth weight at 14lb 12. He is such a content little boy, full of smiles and lots of arm and leg movement. His chat is coming on too but he's definitely more active than chatty right now. I am loving seeing him develop each day. It is a pleasure and privilege to be his mum - and I am so in love with this incredible little human.
Looking back at what we've been through it sometimes feels surreal that it happened to us. That we had a little girl that is no longer with us. I still think of her every day. But the real pain that we felt at the beginning is gone. I think of her now with huge fondness and love. In a way, I believe Casper was always meant to be in our family, and he was always meant to follow Alice. I couldn't imagine life without him. He is our special boy and has hugely helped heal my heart. And right now I am the happiest I could be (despite the tiredness). I know that may not last, and that grief could come again, but that's ok. If it does come again, I know some good techniques to help handle it. I'm focusing on now and now is good. It's great in fact.
{If you know anyone who has suffered a loss be it miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death please share this with them. It might give them hope that they will be happy again in the future. My recommendation is to push on, to get some help in dealing with the grief, to try again, to believe that happiness will follow and trust if possible that everything will be ok, I do hope it will be for everyone} xx
